To Patrick, 

We became acquaintances over two years ago now. At first I thought that we’d never get any further, you’d realise that I was just a silly little girl, and that would be it. But then we began to respect each other, respect turned to like and somewhere along the line I fell in love with you. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know the exact date that it happened, it just seemed to happen.

When I look back upon it I can’t give you a reason why I fell in love with you. Upon reflection there’s nothing particularly different about you, you’re an amazing person, I’ll never let that escape me, but you’re not overly special. Your words were always beautiful though, never harsh, or inappropriate, always the right words at the right time. That’s what made you who you were to me, your words. They were your biggest, and only weapon.

Being in love with you was never easy, I could never tell anyone for a start for a fear that they would never understand. Only those closest to me, that is to say, Paige, knew. Knew everything, about who you were, where you came from and the way that I felt about you. You know the reasons for this, it should have been obvious to me that we were never supposed to be together for these exact reasons. But maybe you knew that, maybe you never had any attention of us being together, and I was just someone who was around when you wanted me. You were only there when you could be, never when I needed you. You’ve always had this way of disappearing, but you had your life, I had mine, they were never made to overlap.

You still mean a lot to me. If I was to say that you didn’t, then I would be lying. I’m trying to move on though, to let go of everything that reminds me of you. The songs that we talked about, the movies you said I should watch and the books that connected us. It’s hard to do this though, so hard, because a lot of your favourite things became my favourite things. I see you in every place I go, in every word that I hear. The difference is now I don’t see these as reasons why we were right, I see these as regrets, regrets that I ever let you into my world.

I might regret it now, but it’s a bittersweet regret. I can say that life would have been so much easier without you, there would have been fewer tears, fewer days when I felt like nothing mattered without you, but the truth is there were so many good days too. The days when you made me feel infinite, as if it was only you and me. The days you made me smile for hours, right from the pit of my stomach. You changed me too, it might have been me growing, or even me growing up, but I will always stand by the belief that you made me the person that I am today. I’m happy with that person, so thank you, you will always be a part of me.

I feel like I need some kind of closure. That even though I know that you’re gone, at my own hands, I need the chance to say goodbye. To say the things that are left unsaid at the moment. You were my world, my everything, and now you are gone, I’m slightly lost. I’ll be alright though, you taught me that, all I need are my friends and a couple of daily smiles and life looks so much better. 

Summer is our time apart, it always has been. I won’t miss you as the sun shines and whilst the skies are blue. When the leaves turn colour and fall, I will miss you. I don’t think I’ll ever not miss you, you really are with me forever. 

So here it is I suppose, all the things I’ve left unsaid, all the things that I should have said a long time ago and never did. I just want you to know that I will always be grateful, and remember the time that we spent together. Good luck with the future, I know that you’ll be happy. And maybe, one day in our future lives our paths may cross again, on that day, please smile at me and let me know that you remember too. Remember our stolen moments together.

With all the love I still possess,

Tansy Eloise.

My dearest Tansy,

I’ve never put down in words everything I’ve said to you, and I need to do that, for me, for you. You mean the world to me, and I’ve never been fair to you. Even after everything, I keep coming back. I must confess that there are so many things I want to say to you and that I wish I could foster within you which only truly promote my happiness for brief moments. So, well I’m opening up. If you don’t take any of this to heart, then it won’t be worth it to me to say anything. I just want to know, what can I do? How can I help you? I mean; is there anything at all I can do to help ease your mind about all this?

I think you’re (from what I can tell) a gorgeous young woman, with a very good head on your shoulders. You have a ridiculous amount of potential, but seem to be slowly letting it go. Despite everything you’ve told me about yourself, I can’t help but yearn for more. I feel as though I need to know you inside and out. I need to see you y’know? Before either of us die, I need to know you. I need to see you, hear you, feel you, do things with you, watch you smile, laugh, dance, everything. It’s an uneasy aching that I cannot control. I need you. Y’know that, too? I really do. And it’s bad, too; the need.

When I talk to you, sometimes I envision us together somewhere down the line in the future. It seems wonderful. Given a real chance to know you personally, live with you, experience life with you… it sounds like a wonderful idea. But of course, there are always other things in the way. People that get there first, or distance plays a part, etc… It’s so silly how things work out, when sometimes it’s just what we want. I feel as though I was ripped off when it comes to you. I feel like I was never given a chance with you, and it tears me up in side that I know I never will. I feel like I completely missed out on something that I could never have had in the first place. I would have wanted you had I been able to have you.

The things you say, and the way in which you say them, gives me an understanding of unbridled emotion, which is hard to come by these days. The things you say are exceptionally nice to hear, and move me in ways some would be quite averse to me moving in. I am intoxicated by your character, and completely entangled in your words, and your feelings.

To me you are an unattainable desire; a fully-blossomed love I can never acquire and cherish; a lover far beyond her years who could bring me happiness and enjoyment and adventure out of a life. A ticket to a world I’ve never known; an object with which I could live out a fantasy or two. A presence I require, but can never have. Don’t you see how simple my mind is? How one-tracked my thoughts go? How much I strive to get to one unattainable goal, no matter how impossible it is? It is not my place to say such things out loud, let alone to think them in the first place, regardless of my want to act upon them

You give me hope that maybe, someday, I will be able to fulfil my desires and meet you. The longer you exist, the longer my chance survives. Furthermore, you give me the opportunity to wax away and improve my ability to handle the language with which I speak and write, and beyond that you give me the ability to express myself in ways I am able to towards other people. Each person I know gives me the ability to express myself in a new way, which is always nice. And, as I have stated before, much to my own shame and dismay, and I assume yours as well, you are a target, or not so much… that’s not a good word for it all, not what I think of when I think of it. I’m not sure what to call it, because I take no pride in my predatory nature, but you are, in essence, and in one way, a deep desire of mine, which gives me some drive, which is always nice. It is too hard to form into words the thoughts and feelings beyond which I have already done.

 I have an obligation to you. The obligation is mine alone. I created it and will adhere to it to my greatest potential, but it has nothing to do with any normal fixtures of the universe. It’s my own thing. I can’ t explain it to you, but believe me when I say that it’s there; and that I know I won’t rest until my obligation is carried out fully. Who knows what the future holds, but the future itself?

If I were to show you the full picture then you’d see that despite my seemingly cool, intelligible exterior, I am also one of the most shamefully perverted, sex-driven people in the world, along with being one of the most heinous assholes when need be, and sometimes completely manipulative and sneaky in a way that is meant to do nothing but cause harm. I’m relatively ashamed of that side of myself, despite how truly prevalent it is in my life. I’m almost to that level of exhaustion where I’ll say anything at all, no matter how stupid. That’s bad, by the way. Because once I tell you some of my secret desires, you’ll certainly re-evaluate my character.  Everything I say will make you uncomfortable. I like to keep up this air of “I’m not really a jackass” as much as I can, even though I know it’s not true. I openly deface the structured charm and personality that I display, often fall short in my ability to give you just what you want, and am overall a pain in the ass. I’d say disappointment were to be of no short supply.

I am afraid there are so many things you’re not telling me that I should perhaps know. You have a very peculiar way of making me sweat. For some reason, I fear everything I say to you. I get scared at every turn of the conversation. But you should know, there’s no way to make a mistake with me. You’d be surprised at what lengths someone can go without making a single mistake. You are so adamant about your position on who I am and what I am to you. It’s very sweet, and extremely appreciative. I just don’t understand where it all comes from…

You’re so scared that you’ve scared me, and it doesn’t help that I keep my mouth shut about it all, does it? Everything you say, everything you feel, is done by me as well, y’know? This huge pull, this ache in my chest, occurs just as much and as rapidly and as strongly as I assume it does you, and I am just so sorry.

How long will you wait? Until you give up. Give up on me, waiting, the chance, the idea… I can’t ask you to wait, but I want you to know that I’ll wait as long as it takes. I’m not sure I’ll be able to let go. And I’m sorry for that, so sorry.

You say you don’t really know who I am, and so I believe that I owe it to you to tell you; for you to know me, for you to make your own decisions and opinions when it comes to me.

At this moment I am reading a comic book; The Sandman volume 7 by Neil Gaiman. When I read I am entranced and speaking to me irritates me to no end. Interruptions make me furious. I have my right hand on my forehead as I look down at the desk to read, because I am afraid of noticing a message from you before I am ready to read it; to pause and digest it fully. I look off to the right and sigh, because I don’t know what to say next. I can’t help but feel this tight ping in my chest because nothing I say will help, and everything will hinder.

I am thoughtful and kind. I laugh often, and at silly things. I speak very poorly, because the pathway from my brain to my mouth is treacherous and many thoughts are mangled in the journey. I pause frequently because my mind is too quick to fashion thoughts perfectly without patience.

I have a bright mind and I like to test waters frequently between myself and individuals I am forced to encounter, and interact with. I crack jokes I perhaps shouldn’t, I push boundaries I perhaps shouldn’t, and I am always trying to make people uncomfortable in one way or another, until it hits that inevitable point of laughter, at the joke of it all, at the truly comfortable nervousness that can only be done by people like myself and serial killers in the movies, except I don’t kill them after they laugh.

I am truly either happy, sad or anything at any time. You can ruin my day and I will still smile at you. If you act in a way that is unkind or unjust to me because you are having it rough or otherwise; I will scold you and be bitter for hours. I am so hard to annoy. I am the easiest person in the world to please. But I am often too forgetful when it comes to returning the favour. I try harder at everything than anyone could ever imagine and the precision with which I execute my life is quickly dismissed due to my foolish and awkward nature.

I have bright blue eyes that I use more than I should, examining, always looking, fetching for glances from others and forcing it from many more. I refuse to acknowledge the changing colours of blue eyes, and am annoyed when people contest that they do. Eyes truly are the windows to the soul. Mine contain the bright sadness of an old man who has seen it all, but is always willing to assume there is more.

I breathe deeply quite often, to expand my tired lungs from their chronic ailment, and I hold my bladder too long. I sit in uncomfortable positions so that my back feels good for the moment; despite my horrible posture. I have long legs that make it hard to cross them comfortably in most places and chairs. I move slowly, not entirely because I am so tall, but because when I do move quickly, my limbs tend to cause damage to nearby things. I do not run often, and I assume I look ridiculous when I do.

I am lazy by nature, but will work hard when need be. I am strong, but not tough. I am both smart and wise, but just a Jack in both. I could not survive alone, and my memories will kill me. I do not dream often. I fear a great many things, both natural and otherwise.

I speak sweetly and truly, and see beauty in every single thing I see. I am unable to recreate beauty. It is the most frustrating thing to me.

I believe in everything, will refute everything, and refuse to believe that there are not aliens. The dinosaurs did exist, and will exist again. Time is cyclical, and I do not want to be alive during the downfall of man. I fear I won’t have a choice.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m not sure if I’ve told you flat out before, but I love you, Tansy. I hate to say this (both for your sake and my own) but I do truly love you, Tansy. I don’t think I’ll ever stop, and I must apologize for that. I do hate how I feel about you; at least on the surface level. I want to enjoy it, and bask in it. I hate that I’ll probably always try to keep you around so that I can appease my dreams.    

Barnaby

ill make u realise how lovely and wonderful and witty u are one day

15:37Me

Thank you.

15:37Barnaby

anything for u

oh, random q

well, asking

but can we do bday thing on the monday?

cos i wanna give u my present

and i need new laces….

15:38Me

Suree.

15:38Barnaby

if u still dont want them

if u do, dont worry 

15:39Me

No, I don’t.

I’ll find them (:

15:39Barnaby

ok cheers

did hattie get all A*s btw?

ellens wittering on about it and i have no idea what she means

15:40Me

No, she got one A

15:41Barnaby

ahh, i see

do u know many other highworth peoples resultys?

15:41Me

Not really

15:42Barnaby

jw how i did compared to my furure classmat5es

15:43Me

I don’t really know many

15:43Barnaby

ah ok

of the ones u do, did they beat me?

be honest…

15:44Me

Yeaah

But then that was like Poppy and Georgia, who got like 9 A*s each or something

15:45Barnaby

8

i want happy with that

well, im lying

i was really happy for them

but even more angry at myself…

imma go in a sec

i feel jank and need a swim

come to africa and come in the pool with me?

15:47Me

I wish

15:47Barnaby

same

15:47Me

I’m annoyed with myself too, if that helps

15:47Barnaby

we could swim in the pond but i dont think thsts a goos idea…

bout what?

15:48Me

results. Because I know I could have done so much better.

And yeah…

We could just go swimming at some point…

15:48Barnaby

thats an idea

beach?

15:48Me

Yess

15:49Barnaby

i havnt actualluy gone to camber this summer, really annoying

i dunno if u could have done better, but u ddi really well, honestly, be proud of yourself

15:49Me

If we get a nice weekend when you’re back, we could go to camber (:

15:50Barnaby

deffiniately 

just us? or with others?

15:50Me

And brave the sea even if it’s freezing

I don’t mind, whatever (:

15:51Barnaby

yeh, it will be cold

we now what happens when ur top half gets cold though 

15:52Me

I spent a week in the sea n the rain in wales…

15:53Barnaby

and yeh, beach is ofte more fun with more people, but then id like to walk along the baech with u holding hands and lying in the dunes together

15:53Me

Hmmm we’ll just wait and see.

15:54Barnaby

what u mean?

15:54Me

Like whether the weather is good enough to go, and like if we do go, who goes.

15:55Barnaby

right

or do both?

day with everyone, day just us

15:55Me

There’s that too (:

15:55Barnaby

haha cool

well sort it out when i get back

15:56Me

Definitely, you need that swim now!

15:58Barnaby

its nearly daark now….

15:58Me

Oh.

16:00Barnaby

yeh, imma go now

want a quick dip

this is a lazy week, so ill probs be on fb most days

no msn though

16:01Me

Okay then (:

16:01Barnaby

talk tomoro then

16:01Me

Enjoy yourself!

16:01Barnaby

love u lots

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

16:01Me

love you too

xxx